I. Can't.

WAIT.

Why Don't I See Anything Wrong With This?

...

Man Shoots Talker At Movies, Police Say

CNN) -- A man angry that a family was talking during a movie threw popcorn at the son and then shot the father in the arm, according to police in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

James Joseph Cialella was charged with attempted murder, aggravated assault and weapons charges.

James Joseph Cialella, 29, was charged with attempted murder, aggravated assault and weapons violations, a police report said.

Cialella told the family sitting in front of him in the theater on Christmas Day to be quiet, police said.

An argument ensued while others at the Riverview Movie Theatre watched "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," starring Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett, The Philadelphia Inquirer reported.

Cialella then approached the family from the left side of the aisle and shot the father, who was not identified, as he was standing between Cialella and his family, according to the police report.

The victim was taken to Jefferson Hospital with a gunshot wound to his left arm, police said.

Cialella was carrying a Kel-Tec .380-caliber handgun clipped inside his sweatpants, police said. He was arrested and taken into custody.

It's coming...

ILOVEITILOVEITILOVEITILOVEITILOVEITILOVEITILOVEITILOVEITILOVEIT - Part 2

ILOVEITILOVEITILOVEITILOVEITILOVEITILOVEITILOVEITILOVEITILOVEITILOVEITILOVEIT

Funny Shit

Okay, so I know you've already seen it, but I hadn't until this morning. Thanks to Jesse, Maker of Huts for putting this under my nose.

So, I uh... I ... (clears throat) ...or we, actually... the wife and I... we, uh... (wipes brow) ... Sunday night we finally... .......we, uh... ...we saw it. ...And, uh... ...well... Wow. ....I mean, if you've seen it, I think we'd like to... to talk to you about it... because, you know... (sighs) it's, uh.... it's... (faints, falls to the floor, wets pants)

Are You Still Out There...? A CYPJN!? 2nd Anniversary Special

You know, my mom always said that if you ignore someone long enough, eventually they'll go away. Hopefully, that hasn't happened to all of you.

I could come up with numerous justifications for my spottiness on the blog in the past few months, but the root cause of all of them would be the same: I have been afflicted of late with a severe lack of motivation. The minutae of day-to-day life has been taxing me in a way that it never used to. By the time it occurs to me that I need to post, I'm either too tired or there's just NOTHING THERE. Or there's something I desperately want to comment on or share with you and I run out of time and/or energy.


This has been a recurring issue over the past six months or so. Both on the blog and in general. My summer goal of writing 10 complete new poems to start taking to the mic at Bowery Poetry Club's weekly slam was stymied by a near-crippling lack of inspiration. Every time I sat down to write, I came up dry. Maybe a line here or there, but nothing with legs. The spectre of the empty page. Drop a quarter in the well, wait for the splash, hear nothing. I wanted to shrug it off, chock it up to this or that, but after a couple months I began to realize that I was simply DRY. I had nothing. Rattling stuff for a creative person.

At first I figured it was just the all-consuming nature of the apartment hunt and subsequent move. That was immediately followed by taking a permanent position at AmEx only to be told two weeks later that we could all be losing our jobs BUT that we wouldn't know until the end of October. Both of these things took up a decent amount of brain space for sure, but they weren't "IT" by any stretch. The underlying reason has proved to be something (probably) deeper and (certainly) more elusive. And in the wake of this perceived drought, a sharp lack of output has followed. Somewhere in the world, Julia Cameron is shaking her head.


Suffice to say, in the meantime my blogging has suffered. My contributions have been inconsistent and tossed-off, at best. In fact, it just occurred to me as I am writing this that I think CYPJN!? has a birthday coming up. (pauses to check archives) And in fact, uncannily, it does. It's tomorrow. Wow. So, there you go. This blog is TWO YEARS OLD. And I totally forgot. So, yet another example of how far up my ass my head has been lately. (pauses to amend subject line and change post photo)

I have spent the past month or so musing on exactly what kind of creative kickstart I need. Discussions with a few close friends about what the prescription might be have ensued. (For those of you who feel compelled to make one, insert cowbell joke here.) There are various immediate options just to get the wheels turning again (improv classes, etc.), but I've been feeling a grander gesture is in order for the long run. Something deeper, bigger, riskier and altogether more foundation-shaking. I have some ideas, but I'll save an expansion for a later post. Bottom line is, a major overhaul is in order.

And how does this relate to you and CYPN!? It simply means this: I have decided that I either have a blog and I want people to read it and I genuinely feel I have something to offer that merits an audience beyond my own bedside journal ...OR... I don't. And if I don't, then I need to say goodbye. Thank you all for listening and pull the plug. But if I do... then it's time to re-engage and stop tossing cotton candy at you every two weeks or so as if it were a regular meal. It's time to deliver.

I'm choosing the latter.

SO... In that spirit, below is a bullet list of things I've been meaning to make mention of for the past couple months. Rants, raves and updates. And a promise to make CYPJN!? a place you want to come back to again on a regular basis.

• The Election - After watching Barack Obama's keynote address during the 2004 Democratic Convention, I said to a roomful of friends, "I want THAT GUY to be my president." And two months from now, that guy is going to be my president. We only had a couple friends over to watch the returns on election night, but it was still one of the most joyous occasions I can recall in recent history. I can only imagine how that joy would have been amplified if I'd received the news in the middle of the Grant Park crowd. I am so GODDAMN THRILLED. I am so READY to have a governing body that at least knows I exist. I'm ready to have a president who's SMARTER THAN ME. I'm ready to put at least a modicum of trust back in the democratic process. I'm ready for the squandered promise of Jack & Bobby to finally be fulfilled. I'm ready to treat the neo-cons and the Religious Right with the condescention and smug dismissiveness they deserve now that they've finally been relegated back to the fringe. I am ready for Democrats and common sense Republicans to start working together for real. I am ready to have a president who will actually START LOOKING FOR THE GUY WHO KILLED 3,000 U.S. CITIZENS AND THEN LAUGHED ABOUT IT ON TV. Yes, it's about change. Yes, it's about hope. But more than all of that, it's about positive action. Forward movement. Citizen engagment. And trying to once again balance the scales that have been knocked so definitvely askew for the past eight years.

• My job - I still have one. After months of speculation and uncertainty, word finally came down company-wide on October 28th. Thankfully, I was not one of the 7,000.

• Turning 35 - Yup. Did that.

• The Sisters of Mercy at Irving Plaza - This one was a big WTF? The Missus and I have both been fans since teenagerhood and were STOKED to finally be seeing these guys live. I have to say, I've NEVER been more disappointed by a show. What a circlejerk. Muddy sound, terrible lighting, undecipherable vocals, cheeseball 80's guitar solos, off-key backup singing by guys who looked like rejects from a Ratt tribute band and a smoke machine that apparently goes to "11". Unbelievable ledtown. We stuck around for about five songs, but the middling karaoke rave-up they tried to pass off as "This Corrosion" sent us packing.

• Albums - I'll do a proper music post in the near future, but a quick rundown of what's getting heavy play on my iPod this month is: Kings of Leon "Only By The Night", David Byrne & Brian Eno "Everything That Happens Will Happen Today", Fucked Up "The Chemistry of Common Life", Frightened Rabbit "The Midnight Organ Fight" and Antibalas "Talkatif". Old Siouxsie, New Order and Bauhaus have also been in pretty heavy rotation.

• The Missus - The Chrysalis Year is nearing a rousing crescendo. Next month, she and Vic will be hosting a screening of the "Off The Radar" pilot episode. It's been a Herculean task that has taken up just about every last wink of their free time. Picture locked last week and I'm currently doing some music supervision for them. The show looks great and I am ridiculously proud of them. In addition, K got accepted to The New School and will be starting classes in January. The woman is a freight train.

That's the Cliffs Notes. The salient points. There will be more to come. And on a more regular basis, I promise.

Thanks for sticking around...

Talk soon,

-IMBA

Big Ups To The "Poundcake" Kids

Troy and Raf asked me for feedback after the first screening last year and I said, "I think it's great. But I don't love the title. And there's one scene you gotta cut. ...Mine."

Sage advice on both points, it turns out. The movie's come a long way since then and "Poundcake" (formerly titled "The Dissection of Thanksgiving") made it's premiere at the AFI Festival last week.

Check it out. "Poundcake" arrivals and interviews start at 2:40, including an enthusiastic plug from Eion.

Mad props to Raf, Troy, Deshja & Kevin.

AFI FEST 2008 - Red Carpet - For more of the funniest videos, click here

More pics here.

CONGRATULATIONS, NEBRASKA'S SECOND CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT!

I'm so goddamn PROUD OF YOU.

How Am I Spending Monday Night, You Ask...?

By taking a little trip down memory lane with The Sisters of Mercy at Irving Plaza.

Can't. Wait.

"Nobody will ever deprive the American people of the right to vote except the American people themselves -- and the only way they could do that is by not voting." -Franklin Roosevelt

A Scary-Ass Pumpkin. A Lovely Weekend.

The Missus and I had one of those rare weekends where we managed to get the balance just right. Just enough activity. Just enough relaxation. Between social obligations, chores, errands, etc., we hardly ever get to have the kind of weekend we want to have. So this was a real win for us.

Friday night got things started off right. Dinner at home. Good wine, good music. The kind of vibe where preparing the meal is just as satisfying as enjoying it. The Missus made pumpkin burgers which were, to quote Thomas Jefferson, "Off the goddamn HOOK." After dinner, we prepared to carve our first pumpkin since 2004, a real beaut we picked up in CT last weekend. 30 pounds of plump, perfectly-shaped pumpkinity.

I switched the iPod playlist from dinner-making jams to something more appropriate for pumpkin carving. A melange of dark 80's alt-classics. Early Bauhaus, Siouxsie, Cure, Sisters of Mercy, Joy Division and the like. The decision at hand was whether to do an "OBAMA" pumpkin or to do a super-scary one. Given the fact that my wife and I both seem to be nurturing our dark sides at this particular moment in time, we went for super-scary. The results are above. Note the detail work on the eyebrows and the scar on the left side. We're pretty damn proud of it.

The rest of the weekend fell in line nicely. Saturday started with coffee and waffles followed by a thorough but totally quick and painless housecleaning. Then later I met K in the City after her accupuncture appointment and went to see this. Not the best movie ever commited to celluloid but funny, engaging and a good escape. I think The Missus was more impressed with the fact that I didn't just agree to see a movie in the theater, but that I actually suggested it. That's growth, people.

Sunday was manicures for the both of us followed by finally watching this Netflix movie which has been laying around for weeks. It was WAY RAD, but Kanga didn't love the SurroundSound. The explosions make her ears go flat.

After that it was last week's Mad Men from the DVR, followed by the Mad Men season finale in real time. Have to say I wanted more from it - being a season-ender and all - but the show is just SO GODDAMN BRILLIANT I'll let it slide. If you haven't been watching, get it on disc and get to work. It's incredible.

We both remarked on our way to bed Sunday night what a nice weekend we had. Just real nice. That kind of balance and genuine in-the-momentness is something we both strive for and very rarely achieve in life. Here's hoping we might just be getting a little closer to it in the future...

God Bless J.S.

I just came across this while cleaning out my e-mail. It's dated but brilliant.

An Open Letter To Two Average Joes

Dear Joe the Plumber & Joe Six-Pack,

I don't know how you guys got so thoroughly co-opped by the McCain/Palin ticket, but I have to say... If we get stuck with another 4 years of douchebaggery because of you two folksy, oversimplified caricatures, I'm going to personally kick both your asses.

Sincerely,
-IMBA

You Wanna Party With Us???

The Missus and I just bought our tickets for this.

It's going to be fab.

Let's make it a party.

JOIN US...

GOGOL BORDELLO

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Webster Hall

(clicky for tickeys)

P.S. The Gogol doc "Gogol Bordello Non-Stop" will be coming to town soon. If you need any more convincing to come check them out live, watch THIS...

GOGOL BORDELLO NON STOP FILM TRAILER
by Guespa

A Mid-Afternoon Chuckle From Me To You

You may or may not have seen this already. I enjoyed it...

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT BETTER MYSELF

Every onece in a while I'll come across something that I REALLY wish I'd written. I think this Palin piece is the most absolutely spot-on assessment of what the choice of her as McCain's running mate says about the GOP and more importantly about the state of the country itself.

Thanks for sending this my way, Vic.

A Little Something For The Missus On The Occasion Of Our 3rd Wedding Anniversary

The Better Parts

I am my left eye
the weaker one
the one that droops a little
the one that goes dead in photographs

You are my right eye
the one that winks
the one with the arched brow
the one that brightens when I laugh

You are both lips
Partly because they are one of my finer attributes
And partly because
without you
they have no purpose anyway

My hair
I am the gray ones

My teeth
I am the two obnoxious ones up front
begging in vain to go unnoticed

My tongue
You are salty and sweet
I am sour and bitter

I am my cheekbone
at the end of a frat boy’s fist
I am my wrist
after slamming my sled into the side of a tree
And you
Are every other bone in me

Solid

Unbroken

The frame


I am my hands on a rainy day
Cold, stiff and uncooperative

You are my hands
around trekking poles in the Grand Canyon,
mixing mortar in the village of Taviefe,
breaking bread in Florence
You are my hands when they are folded in prayer

I am the finger forever pointing at someone else
And you are the three pointing back at me

I am my middle
At 165
And you are my middle
At 145

You are my back
Strong, smooth, even in tone

I am my legs carrying me from City Hall station
to the World Financial Center
on a snowy Monday morning

And you are my legs
tangled up in yours
on the first sleepy Sunday of spring

You are my right knee
The reliable one
The one that bent to propose

I am my left knee
The one that disappears at the most crucial moments
leaving me flat on my back like a dusty turtle
in the middle of the South Kaibab trail

I am the shirt I should’ve thrown out three seasons ago
And you are the jeans I look good in no matter what

You
are those rare occasions when I just go ahead and say “Yes” to something
without overthinking it
You
are action,
operation,
spontaneity,
forward movement,


Life for the sake of living

And I

am a stick in the mud

I am the part that’s about to turn down a free plane ticket and an
extra day in Paris because I’m worried we won’t get someone to feed the cats
And you are the part
That sees an overbooked flight
as an opportunity

You are the wine we drank
later that night
on a sidestreet café in the Quartier Latin
And I am the time I lost 'if'-ing

My heart?

Yeah.


That’s all you.

-not the metaphor
-not the idea
-not poetry

But blood.

Cells.

Function.

The essential.

The part that cannot be removed
without the rest of it slamming violently into

indistinction


And somewhere down the road
when all my parts
-the lovely ones
And the ones less so-
come to crumble under the weight of

inevitability





You will be my epitaph.





And I will be the dandelion

creeping up at its base

plucked unceremoniously by a hired hand

So that something more productive


can grow in its place.



x,o

-IMBA

10/08

THANK YOU, Jack.

You may have seen this one. It's been making the rounds. Cafferty manages to say what the rest of us are thinking.



I mean, you've gotta be kidding, right...?



Is is just me, or is the similarity between Palin and this genius more than a little unsettling....?



Spooky, right...?

An Open Letter To My Anonymous Racist Fan

Dear Pussy-Ass Anonymous Racist Fuckhole,

Your comments have been deleted.

.

...See?

.

You've been erased.

.

It's like you never existed.

.

You made no impact whatsoever.

.

You silly, inconsequential bitch.

All the best,

-IMBA

P.S. Obama's going to win.

Tee-hee.

Hey, a PLAN?? What a novel idea...

Had Enough/Can't Get Enough #6

So... this was originally supposed to be a weekly segment, but in true CYPJN?! fashion, my intentions and my output rarely jell. (The last installment of this "weekly" feature was in April, 2007.)

Here's a list of what's got me both flummoxed and fired up this week...

HAD ENOUGH

• Gatsby's incessant yowling at 9:30 every night for no good goddamn reason


• Braveheart's incessant yowling at 3:30 every morning for no good goddamn reason


• Sarah Palin buzz


• Joint pain


• PC issues


• Being someone I'm not 40 hours a week


• Lunch options at the World Financial Center


• 80's nostalgia permeating Fashion Week


• Transitional hair


• The bullshit wine stores on Ditmars


• The Mets getting ready to squander yet another near-guaranteed playoff slot

CAN'T GET ENOUGH

• My new Blackberry


• This Jeffrey McDaniel poem


• The Missus' beauty blurbs on Shecky's


• The following albums: Max Richter "The Blue Notebooks", Elbow "The Seldom Seen Kid", Friendly Fires (eponymous), Lou Reed "Coney Island Baby", Nomo "Ghost Rock", Conor Oberst (eponymous), The Church "After Everything Now This", Johann Johannsson "Englabjorn"


• The new Kings of Leon single


• Mad Men - Could this show be any more fantastic? That was rhetorical. The answer is no... No, it could not.


• Californication - We JUST started watching this. Officially got caught up on the first season and are eagerly awaiting the Season Two premiere on the 28th.


• The Diving Bell & The Butterfly - Ugh... God. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. We're still talking about it. Really beautiful.


• ALWAYS getting a seat on the N in the morning because Ditmars is the end of the line


• The skewered, fried mussels at Aegean Cove


• Our king size Tempurpedic mattress


• Most of John Varvatos' Fall '08 collection


• Planning our mid-January getaway

Looks like I'm heavier on raves than rants this week. I guess I'm growing...

-IMBA

I'll take "Totally Fucking Obvious Causes Of Death" for $400, Alex....

Man, Woman Found Fatally Shot In Head In NYC (AP) ―
A man and a woman have been found shot dead inside a Manhattan apartment.Police say they went to the apartment Sunday afternoon and found 72-year-old Arlene Coffey and 54-year-old David Coffey shot in their heads. Both were pronounced dead at the scene, where a .22-caliber revolver was recovered. The medical examiner's office will try to determine the causes of their deaths.

"Hmmmmm.... Let's see.... I don't know, Sarge... Other than the .22 and the bullet holes in each of the victims' skulls, I can't imagine any other reason why they both would have died at the same time and with blood-gushing gapes in their melons. We better send 'em over to the M.E.'s office for tests..."

You've got.

To be fucking.

Kidding me.

Up Here, Down There

Has it really been 7 years? Crazy.

Thank God I wasn't working down here back then.

From my office window...From MSNBC...
I don't think I could ever have imagined myself feeling this emotionally removed from the whole thing. Especially given my close physical proximity to the site.

I usually feel a twinge of something on the anniversaries. Sadness, anger, something eerie, something sensorial, something particular. Something.

But today just feels like a Thursday.

Actually, it feels like an even less noteworthy Thursday than most other Thursdays.

I don't know why.

(sigh)... I'm Back

Details later.

For now, read this.

In Case You Missed It...

Or if you just want to get the goosebumps all over again...

Reason I Want To Punch People I See On The Street Sometimes #247

Today a sloppy, pudgy 10 year old kid walked by me with his dad. The kid was wearing a t-shirt that said "10 Reasons Why A Beer Is Better Than A Woman".

Genius.

Absolute genius.

Get 'em started early. On the booze and the misogyny.

I noticed the dad noticing me noticing his kid and the obviously inappropriate t-shirt choice. I'm sure the look on my face was a sour melange of disgust, disdain and unfiltered whatthefuckness.

When I looked up, he averted his eyes and they walked on past.

Yeah.

Look away, asshole.

Hope the kid gets taken away from you before he has a chance to blossom into a grade-A eff-hole just like his daddy.


P.S. I couldn't read the reasons listed on the t-shirt, so I did a search on the phrase. If you think I'm being harsh or puritanical, take a look for yourself and tell me you'd put this shirt on your 10 year old.

N I C E !

The perfect ticket?

It just might be...

New David Byrne/Brian Eno Joint

The new collaboration between David Byrne and Brian Eno - "Everything That Happens Will Happen Today" - is out now and available exclusively through their website.

You can preview the album below. Fantastic stuff...

What I've Been Doing With My Summer Since I Obviously Haven't Been Blogging

It's not that I don't love you. My head's just elsewhere right now. Best I can muster is a bullet list. The last month or so in a nutshell...

• Finished putting the apartment together - (whew)
  
• Joined Facebook. -Not sure how I feel about this one yet. People are sort of coming out of the woodwork. It's cool, but also... you know... I dunno...
  
• Saw "The Dark Knight" - Amazing. Can't wait to see it again, in IMAX this time. THANK YOU Christopher Nolan for finally getting this franchise CORRECT. And, Heath... Oh, Heath. Damn your silly pills. You should get a nod for this regardless of your existential status.
  
• Saw Underworld, Andrew Bird & Radiohead at the All Points West Festival - All three acts were fantastic, but I have to say what impressed me most about these outdoor stages was the SOUND. Crystal clear. Really satisfying. And we'd never seen Radiohead live, so The Missus and I were TRULY floored.
  
• Christened our new apartment with a real-deal summer BBQ - I'm still eating leftover sausages and potato salad, but a good time was had by all and my grill skills continue to grow.
  
• Finally bought my plane ticket for the Canyon - My good friend Troy, a Canyon virgin, will be joining us for this one. We're doing our first-ever rim-to-rim.* It's going to rock like nothing has ever rocked in the history of rocking.
  
• Accepted a permanent position with the American Express Company only to find out a month later that I may be losing my job - I've never considered that I was someone who worked in "the financial sector" of the economy, but apparently I am. They like to call major layoffs like this "a reengineering". Brilliant. Utterly brilliant.
  
• Switched out our old cable box for a new HD box - Two words: Sunrise Earth
  
• Had some great dinners with The Missus in our new 'hood - Thank you for the paella, El Olivo


• Discovered one of the most delicious $6 bottles of white ever - We're total fans of the Indaba Sauvignon Blanc from South Africa. $8.99 on Ditmars, but only $5.99 in our old neighborhood. We drove over and bought a case. Good shit.
  
• Boycotted the Olympics - Didn't even watch the opening ceremonies. In HD. With SurroundSound. Which was probably awesome. But, fuck 'em.
• Got to Level 25 on the Vortex game on my iPod - I'm not usually a game person, but this one's been a blessing on my hour-long train ride to work.


• Started growing my hair out - And am hating it. Might be chop-chop time.


• Mowed a lawn for the first time in about 12 years - Having a yard we can use has been a real upgrade from our last place. Having fun planning what we're going to do with the space next spring.


• Made an appointment for my first physical in over two years - Taking advantage of the insurance while I have it. Doc's gonna love that I started smoking again. (...ugh)


• Started smoking again - Brilliant. Utterly brilliant. Planning to quit after the Canyon. Have heard some firsthand accounts of success with auriculotherapy, so I've started doing research.


• Ate sashimi for the first time - We have five sushi places on Ditmars. Only one we'd tried was Watawa, which we love love love. It's still the best, but I decided to check out Sakura one lonely night while The Missus was away and I gotta say... the yellowtail sashimi was a winner.

That's really about it. I've been having a quiet summer.

Not relaxing. Not restorative. Not particularly fun. But quiet.

And I guess that's just going to have to be okay for right now...

-IMBA

*Please note that the phrase "rim-to-rim" refers to the North and South Rims of the Grand Canyon. Not whatever you were thinking. ...sicko.

Vomit

Read this.

And then read this.

And try not to throw up in your mouth.



I just don't understand this world sometimes...

Gogol on Conan

Gogol Bordello will be appearing on Late Night with Conan O'Brien this Wednesday night (7/30). This is your chance to find out what you've been missing.

Set your DVR's and strap yourself in.

Are You Effing Serious??

I just came across this link on Yahoo. I simply can't believe that there's just so little going on in the world that stories like this end up getting printed...

Poll: Obama Leads McCain Among People Who Don't Have Pets

Enjoy The Silence

It's summer.

We're all busy with other stuff.

I'll be posting regularly again soon.

Just not today.

Or probably tomorrow.

So, take a break from your computer and go outside.

It's such a nice day...

George Carlin 1937-2008

George Carlin has long been a personal hero of mine. We don't have anyone like him around today. As much a champion of free speech as Lenny Bruce, his loss will be deeply felt.

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, to you Sir.

Here's hoping God's got a sense of humor...

Gogol #4

The Missus and I went to our fourth Gogol Bordello show in a year on Friday night at McCarren Park Pool.

Man... I just... I can't... you've just gotta... What's it gonna take to get your ass there next time?

Seriously...

Support TerraNOVA

Some friends of mine run the TerraNOVA Collective. They always put out great work and they've just launched their 5th annual SoloNOVA Festival. There's a party tomorrow night at P.S. 122 to support the festival and the collective. If you're around and free, go check it out...

-IMBA





terraNOVA NewsletterJune 17, 2008
.

5th Anniversary Celebration - $15 Tix Available HERE!
.
Greetings!The 5th Annual soloNOVA Arts Festival opens tonight! For a complete line-up, please go to http://www.terranovacollective.org/.
.

Buy Tix Now!!!
This link will take you to our calendar.

New Digs

As promised. Unsolicited photos. (Ma, you can stop hounding me.)

We're officially moved in and the unpacking/setting-up process has begun.

Here's to a fresh start...

My Wife, Beauty Writer

The Missus' wide range of talents never ceases to amaze me. Her first professional freelance beauty piece is up. You ladies'll love it. Check it out.

The End Of An Era

The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I had just called off the wedding two weeks before the date and my already-crumbling life was on the fast track to complete ruination. Or at least it seemed so at the time, as those situations tend to when you're standing knee deep in them. This was September, 1997.

My former fiance was moving back to Omaha ASAP and I was damned if I was going to stay in our apartment one day longer than I had to. Wasn't a bad place, actually. Cute little two-bedroom with hardwood floors, an eat-in kitchen and French doors on the master bedroom. But it had been so fouled with our disgusting, codependent, panicked energy that it might as well have been covered in shit. No, sticking around and trying to find a roommate wasn't an option. I had to get out of there. And fast.

As chance would have it, my buddy MJ had a roommate moving out at the beginning of October. I had long coveted MJ's apartment. A cozy, two-bedroom private house with a huge kitchen and a truly homey feel. Additionally, MJ was a card-carrying metrosexual like myself. A bonafide wine-drinking, candle-burning, Dead Can Dance-listening, house-tidying, CK1-wearing metrosexual who loved to cook and have deep conversations long into the night. So I wasn't going to have to deal with beer cans on the floor, stinky socks in the bathroom and the ever-present cloud of B.O. that seems to follow most male roommates wherever they go. AND... the rent was only $775. Total. Which meant that my half was only $387.50 a month. A total steal even 10 years ago. I had the distinct feeling that this was going to work out well.

And then a year and a half later when MJ moved back to L.A., the place became mine. In the intervening years, several roommates came and went. I started with girls, hoping to keep the mellow, non-stinky vibe MJ and I had going. There was Ylva, the half-retarded German acting student with a funny walk and a firm belief that she would make it in life because she was a "lucky child". Althea, the athletic black commercial actress with a winning smile and an unflappable can-do attitude. Then there was Joe. A friend of The Missus' from school. A great guy, but the prototypical non-metro male roommate. And then finally, after four years of dating, Kate moved in on September 28, 2001. Two weeks after the 11th. And, of course, the night she moves in we pull up to the house to find the front door kicked in half. Our little nest had been burglarized. Somehow it now seems fitting that the inaugural act of our cohabitation was a break-in.

Over the course of the next 6 1/2 years, we really did our best to make the place our home. A couple paint jobs, the installation of hardwood floors, a round of new furniture, coating the fridge in layers of anti-Bush humor and peppering the entire space with pictures of family and travel. And it worked. For a time.

But as we got older and started making more long-term plans for our lives, the realities of the space started making themselves known post-haste. The lack of closet space. The peeling kitchen floor. The mold spots in the unventilated bathroom. The overstayed-its-welcome carpet in the den. And the bedroom. Which is exactly that. A bed room. A room with a bed in it. Cramped enough that we have to walk in sideways just to get into bed. These realities began to encroach on our lives and quickly started turning our sanctuary into a prison.

It was time to move. This much was clear. What was not clear was... how? And to where?

We'd made a half-hearted attempt at looking last spring, to no avail. This attempt basically consisted of getting laughed out of six different Astoria brokers after explaining that we were looking for a two-bedroom that was larger than what we had now, was pet-friendly and preferrably on the ground floor to accomodate our 3-legged dog. Oh, and we want all that for $1500 a month. Apparently this was too much to ask. We were demoralized enough by the experience that we decided to bag the whole idea and stay put for another year. Good thing, too. Because about two weeks after abandoning our search, I lost my job. (*See every post between June and September of last year for details.) The fact that the savings we'd put aside for a move ended up keeping us afloat during my three months of unemployment are about as far as I need to look for evidence of divine intervention.


Fast forward to this April. Thanks to "Law & Order" residuals and Bush's bribe money, this year's tax return was greater than either of us expected. We had originally planned to maybe pay down some debt, take some classes, get new headshots, etc. But this amount was basically exactly what we would need to get us into a new apartment. We took it as a sign that the time for an upgrade in our living situation had come.

The topics of "Finding An Apartment" and "How Much Is Your Rent?" are the primary unifying preoccupations of people who live within the five boroughs of New York City. And there's a reason for this. Apartment-hunting in the City is very much like heading into battle. There are two opposing sides. There is preparation. There is strategy. It requires a great amount of skill, an equal amount of luck and a shitload of hustle. It is ruthless, it is demoralizing and it is all-consuming.

Major props to The Missus for totally having her shit together and being completely on-point heading into this process. We made a good team. She was the general and I was the pitch-man. We knew what we wanted and we weren't going to stop until we got it. At least that was the plan.

We originally started out looking at only no-fee apartments. No brokers, no agents. And our cap was $1600 a month. For a 2-bedroom. On the ground floor, or at least no higher than the second. In a private house or small 3-family building. In a great neighbhorhood. That was close to the train. (For my NYC contingency, please keep your laughter to a minimum as it disturbs the other readers.)

Long story short, as the search progressed and our frustration levels multiplied our criteria began to expand. We started looking in Greenpoint, we looked in Astoria, we looked in Bay Ridge, we looked in Park Slope, we looked in friggin' Bed-Stuy. (Thing We Learned About Ourselves In This Process #12: We are not gentrifiers.)

Over the course of 14 apartments, we started to become jaded, weary and battle-bruised. The thought pecked at both of us that maybe we just couldn't find a decent apartment in our price range. And maybe we were fools for leaving a place that was so affordable. Of course, as often happens, right when we were about to throw up our hands and admit defeat, the right thing comes along.

We had an appointment with a broker named George to look at a renovated 2-BR basement apartment with a small private backyard. We were already dubious about a basement apartment, but we were so beaten down we figured what-the-hell. Suffice to say, it wasn't for us. AND it was 16 blocks from the train. Which meant either taking the bus to the Ditmars station OR a fuck of a hoof. We happened to ask George if he had anything else he could show us and gave him our new, amended rent cap - $1800. George said he thought he might have something for us, but it was a little over what we wanted to spend. In a moment of silent internal unison, TM and I both said "Screw it! Let's see it anyway!"

The apartment met every criteria on our list... A 2-BR, larger than what we have now, completely renovated, ground floor, quiet street, great neighborhood, close to the train, forget it. This was it. Plus it has a yard (which needs some work, but hey) AND... a friggin' parking space. An unbelievable bonus. All of which ultimately went into our justification of why we were willing to pay fifty bucks over what was already a hard-arrived-at rent cap. We (I, moreso) agonized about what the hell we were thinking making that kind of a leap in rent. But, in the end (and this has become our mantra of late) you get what you pay for. The bottom line was this. We'd looked at 15 apartments over the course of a month and a half. And this was the one we wanted. And this was what it cost. And that was just the deal.

We signed the lease the following Friday and officially move in next week. We picked up the keys and took some measurements this past Friday night, so unsolicited pictures will likely follow.

So, yeah. We're moving. We're taking a risk. We're stepping outside ourselves and into something (hopefully) better, (definitely) different. And praying that our outside-in metamorphosis strategy works.

I made the observation to The Missus a couple months ago that we've spent the past couple years being our limitations. And we didn't have to look any further than our own four walls for a gut-check on that point.

3508, Thank You.

You've been a great home.

You were an oasis in the upsy-downsy clusterfuck that was my 20's.


And a fairly-reliable sanctuary as I entered my 30's.


I will cry when I shut your squeaky front door for the last time and I will feel a tug when any of the many memories you've housed begins to surface.

But I've outgrown you.

You are winter skin on my summer frame and it is time to leave you behind.


Thanks for everything.

I hope whoever comes along takes good care of you.


You deserve it.

Yes. We. CAN.

Can I get a "AMEN"?!!

R.I.P., Heady

"That's 'Hedley'."

.

Sir, you were a comic genius and a personal inspiration. You will be greatly missed.

The Search Is Over

(Details soon...)

Big Ups to Our Homegirl Heidi

"Darling of the Downtown Theatre Scene" and wife of the honorable K.P. O'Fagan II, Schreck won a friggin' Obie this week for her performance in Two-Headed Calf's Drum of the Waves of Horikawa. (Which, unfortunately, I missed.)

CYPJN!? salutes you, madam. The recognition is well-deserved.

Oh. My.

Saw DeVotchka at Terminal 5 last night.

Wow.

A m a z i n g show.

New York, where were you? We thought you were going to get tix.

Denver, they're your band. Stop taking them for granted. Make a point to see them next time they're home.

Seattle, John & Cheryl & Kevin told you to go and you didn't. Shame on you. Your loss.

Omaha, you still have a chance. They're playing the Slowdown on Saturday night. Do NOT screw this up. Remind everyone just how cool you really are and buy tickets for this RIGHT NOW.

Europe, you get to spend the whole summer with them.

You lucky bitch.

A Little Something For The Faithful

I've been an absentee blogger lately, so I figured I'd try and make it up to you.

Like a dad who buys you a present after he misses your ball game.

Or takes you to a ball game because he forgot to buy you a present.

Here.

I was going to do a post about what I've been listening to lately. So much good stuff.

Then I came across this widget on Dup's blog the other day and decided I'd just go ahead and share...

P.S. Since you just asked if The Missus and I were going to any good shows lately, I'll answer you.

Yes.

Yes we are.

DeVotchka tonight, Firewater Saturday night, Gogol Bordello 6/20 and Black Angels 6/28.

What?

I know you're jealous. But, you don't have to be. Get a ticket and come with us.

Seriously.

...?

I know, I know.

I've been busy, alright?




Geez.


Get off my back already...

Okay, so this is some funny shit...

Many thanks to Neil for passing this one along. Enjoy*...
*Not appropriate for office viewing

Evan & Gareth - Mano-A-Mano

Finally made it back to Bowery Poetry Club last week after a three year absence. Last open mic of the season. Felt good.

It’s a sobering thing to try and calculate
The exact percentage of time I’ve spent of late
Trying to fill myself up with
Myself
Trying to fill myself up with
Myself

Heading out into the winter of my spirit
Wrapped only in my distractions
While my truest need
Becomes such a whisper

I can’t even hear it

I like bombast
I like subterfuge
I like noise
I like to shout down any ounce of substance

that tries to penetrate
Any ounce of anything
I didn’t orchestrate

I gravitate toward surface
I gravitate toward sheen
I gravitate away
From whatever gravity means

I line my insides with my outsides
I play dress-up

I try on skinny jeans
I try on cigarettes
I try on crossword puzzles
I try on the internet

I try on “Rock of Love with Brett Michaels”
I try on MSNBC
I try on whatever I can buy
To make myself more “me”

I try on too much red meat
I try on too much red wine
I try on snarky dismissive and
“No, no, really, I’m fine”

I hang myself with ornaments
And pray the branches hold
I play Dead Kennedys on the way to my office job
To keep from getting

old

I put in as much as will fit
With little regard
For what I’m getting out of any of it

When I was growing up there were actually channels on the television
That had no content
just static
just space

A hissing, scrambled buzz of nothing
(Or, if not nothing, then
Something close to not-quite-something)

But not now

Now

Every channel is full and multiplied
300-plus points on the dial
Each with its own picture, sound & style

most still static

But structured & groomed & with a target
Demographic

All a fitting metaphor
For a collective human nature that says
Empty is an eyesore

That clamors desperate, loud
For moremoremore
And doesn’t bother to distinguish or define
More of what
Because more itself
Seems to be enough

I have tried
Filling myself up with
Myself

And I have left myself
Unsatisfied

I have tried

Filling myself up with
Myself

And I have left myself
Full of shit

There’s truth out there somewhere
Hidden in the little spaces between
What I want
And what I do

Yes, it’s soft
But not completely out of earshot
If I can keep my mouth shut long enough

Only open
Only empty
Only silent
Only still
Only flushed of what separates
Me from me
Me from God
Me from you

Me from the life I only dare talk about in the abstract

-IMBA

4/08

Ladies & Gentlemen... The World Premiere of...

DJ PROVERB

Oh, yes. Hot damn, indeed.

Totally last minute, but if you find yourself in Astoria tomorrow night between 10pm and midnight looking for a place to listen to a kickass mix of Indie Rock, Electronica, Vintage Alternative, Progressive Hip Hop and Transglobal Beats while enjoying any of the 25 great microbrews on tap, come check out my inaugural DJ set at Sunswick.

I'm hoping this will be the first of many. I'll keep you posted.

Quote of the Week

From The Missus. Wednesday night. 12:49am.

"I'm very open right now. Now's a good time to know me."

"Please Explain #27"

Dup invited me to be the next contributor in his "Please Explain" series. I was honored and happy to oblige.

The Boss Backs Obama

From Bruce's websiste...

Dear Friends and Fans:

Like most of you, I've been following the campaign and I have now seen and heard enough to know where I stand. Senator Obama, in my view, is head and shoulders above the rest.

He has the depth, the reflectiveness, and the resilience to be our next President. He speaks to the America I've envisioned in my music for the past 35 years, a generous nation with a citizenry willing to tackle nuanced and complex problems, a country that's interested in its collective destiny and in the potential of its gathered spirit. A place where "...nobody crowds you, and nobody goes it alone."

At the moment, critics have tried to diminish Senator Obama through the exaggeration of certain of his comments and relationships. While these matters are worthy of some discussion, they have been ripped out of the context and fabric of the man's life and vision, so well described in his excellent book, Dreams of My Father, often in order to distract us from discussing the real issues: war and peace, the fight for economic and racial justice, reaffirming our Constitution, and the protection and enhancement of our environment.

After the terrible damage done over the past eight years, a great American reclamation project needs to be undertaken. I believe that Senator Obama is the best candidate to lead that project and to lead us into the 21st Century with a renewed sense of moral purpose and of ourselves as Americans.

Over here on E Street, we're proud to support Obama for President.

-Bruce Springsteen

Thank you, sir.

This blog agrees.

Onion Headline of the Week

April 7, 2008
Charlton Heston's Gun Taken From His Cold, Dead Hands

Tough Decisions

Jesse, Maker of Huts sent me the following story and it was too good to pass up. He thought it might be an Onion article at first, but alas... it was real.

I think it speaks to the passion of parental commitment and the nuances of making the tough decisions involved in the proper upbringing of a child.

Parents Fight Over Which Gang Toddler Should Join

Police: Mother A Crip, Father A Westside Baller

COMMERCE CITY, Colo. -- A couple fighting about which gang their 4-year-old toddler should join caused a public disturbance that resulted in the father's arrest, Commerce City police said Thursday.

On Saturday, Joseph Manzanares stormed into the Hollywood Video store where his girlfriend worked, threatened to kill her and knocked over several video displays and even a computer, Commerce City police Sgt. Joe Sandoval said.

After he ran out of the store, police were called and the 19-year-old was arrested at his home.

His girlfriend told police that they had been arguing about the upbringing of their son and which gang he should belong to. The teen mother, who is black, is a member of the Crips. Manzanares is Hispanic and belongs to the Westside Ballers gang, the woman said.

"They have different ideas on how the baby should be raised. Basically, she said they cannot agree on which gang the baby would 'claim,'" Sandoval said.

Manzanares was charged with disorderly conduct, harassment, and domestic violence. He was transported to the Adams County Detention Facility.

On Tuesday, he pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct and was sentenced to a year of probation. The misdemeanor harassment charge was dropped.

The Troops Weigh In On The '08 Election

Radio You Can Actually LISTEN TO in NYC???

Yes.
-
Anyone who lives here knows what a wasteland New York radio is. And anyone who's read this blog for any amount of time knows what a huge fan I am of Seattle's independent free-form station KEXP.
-
I've now been listening to KEXP online for 5 years. It literally gets me through the slog that is my workaday life. It's the kind of place where you can hear Wilco, Bright Eyes, Johnny Cash, Dead Kennedys, Ministry and The English Beat all in the same hour. Everything from indie rock to vintage punk to classic soul to 60's Cambodian psychedlic pop. No bullshit. As well as introducing countless new bands that you will quickly come to love.
-
I have long been pining for something of that ilk on the dial here in NYC and have long done so in vain.
-
...Until now.

91.5FM Radio New York and KEXP have teamed up to bring something DESPERATELY NEEDED to the New York airwaves.

WAKE UP (6am-9am) is a morning radio show hosted and curated by KEXP's director of programming, Kevin Cole. The site describes it as "An inclusive mix of alternative rock, hip hop, electronic, roots, soul, and global — as well as exclusive music features, NYC show info and news from NPR and the BBC."
The Missus and I have been listening for over a week and it's really given us a much-needed boost in the morning.


And then from 9am-12pm, 9.15 simulcasts the first 3 hours of KEXP's John In The Morning Show, hosted by John Richards.
"The music you want to hear when you need to hear it. From the Pixies to Pela, M.I.A. to Massive Attack, JITM breaks new music, embraces old music and ties it all together."

Something this special doesn't come along very often. The best way to support it is simply to tune in. (And pledge, whenever KEXP has their quarterly fundraising drives.)
-
I guarantee if you start tuning in, you'll quickly become a fan. And what New Yorker couldn't use a little something to look forward to in the morning...

Food For Thought From The Front Lines

Just read this article written by a U.S. soldier in Iraq. His take on the real meaning of the recent death-toll milestone in Iraq. Illuminating and sobering.

American Express Saves Planet Earth

A memo I just received...


M E M O R A N D U M
Subject: AMERICAN EXPRESS WFC SUPPORTS EARTH HOUR CAMPAIGN
Date: March 26, 2008
To: World Financial Center Colleagues
From: Judy ------, VP, Corporate Social Responsibility

As a sign of our commitment to the environment, a number of American Express locations around the world will support Earth Hour, a global environmental campaign taking place on Saturday, March 29, 2008.

During Earth Hour, which began last year in Sydney, Australia, homes and businesses are encouraged to curb energy consumption by turning off their lights for the one hour period between 8:00 and 9:00 p.m. In this way, participants in Earth Hour can demonstrate that it is possible to take action on an issue as far reaching as climate change.

Here at the World Financial Center, we will support Earth Hour by turning off our lights for one hour beginning at 8:00 p.m. Also, there will be no heating or air conditioning on the floors during this time. Throughout the Earth Hour event, all emergency lighting and security systems will remain on as usual.


Wow.

Wow, AmEx. What a BOLD and DEFINITIVE gesture. You mean to tell me that you're willing to turn off the lights... for a whole hour ... At 8pm on a Saturday... When no one's fucking here??? And the air conditioning, TOO? At the end of March!!!?

You sirs, have my utmost respect. I am blown away and inspired by your innovation, your courage, your pioneer spirit, your willingness to risk.

You are the example we should all be living. You are the standard to which we all should strive. Your uncompromising tenacity and vision light the way for all of us.

My sincerest thanks to you, Company.

You make me proud to call myself an American. Express employee.
(contractor, technically)

...


God, I hate this place.

Ladies and Gentlemen... Please Welcome...

E L S I E * G E N E V I E V E * P O Y N T E R

Born Monday, 3/24/08

7:58pm. 6lb 9oz.

Our very good friends and next door neighbors Neil & Katie gave birth yesterday. The results are below. Pink, fresh and adorable.

This is going to be a great learning experience for The Missus and I, having a newborn within such close proximity. In fact, we just learned yesterday that each baby you have comes with a free hat. Which is pretty cool.

We're looking forward to getting to know her.

I Got Tagged For A "Meme"

So, laKetch tagged Certainlia and Certainlia tagged me. Since there's NOTHING going on at the office today, I was able to indulge.

Apparently, the below set of fill-ins are called a "meme". The reason is obvious. Enjoy...

I can't believe I've never...

Until recently I'd probably have said "seen The Godfather." But The Missus and I finally took care of Parts I & II in a pasta-filled Saturday about a month ago.

I guess there are other important movies and books I haven't seen or read that could easily fill this spot, but that feels a little too pedestrian.

I would say that I can't believe I've never really been single or "dated", but I can believe it. I'm a serial monogamist who ended up meeting the future Missus within weeks of a called-off wedding engagement to a girl I met within weeks of being dumped by my high school sweetheart. Odd but true.

So, let's see.... AH. I got it. Over beers the other night, Neil was giving me the dope on his recent root canal and was astonished to hear that... I've never had a cavity. Or a filling. I guess I can't believe it either.

Everytime I think about...I still cringe

Ugh. So many of these. I guess one of the worst is the following...

Growing up, I was surrounded by older people. A retirement-age father, a live-in grandmother, elderly neighbors, much-older half-siblings, etc. On top of that, I was a smart kid. Between my intelligence and my circumstances, I assumed a level of maturity that I may or may not have actually achieved but that the adults around me were willing to accommodate and encourage. I never had to sit at the "kids table". I was included unapologetically in whatever social functions my parents engaged in. I was never told to butt out of an obviously adult conversation. And when my folks wanted to go see a movie - be it "The Blue Lagoon" or "Kramer vs. Kramer" - they took me along. I'm not saying this is right or wrong. I will say that I would probably be a little more discerning with my own kids, but in the end I don't think it did any permanent damage. The salient point of this is that from a very early age I considered myself an adult. And as such, I was occassionally prone to assuming an authority over my peers that I simply did not have.

Which brings us to...

The late 70's. Mary Moppett's Day Care. Omaha, Nebraska.

It's TV time. TV time is supposed to be for watching TV. That's what we were told to do. By Debbie. Debbie the day care worker. Debbie with the long, straight, brown hair parted down the middle and reaching to the small of her back. Debbie with the skin-tight Chic jeans and flowy white blouse that opened generously whenever she bent over. Debbie who might very well have been my first crush.

TV time is for watching TV. That's what we were told to do. By Debbie. An adult. And I took doing what adults told you to do seriously.

So, I'm sitting there. Indian style. Quietly sipping lukewarm chocolate milk. Being attentive. Being good.

And then I see him.

I don't remember his name, but I remember his knotted blonde curls and ceaselessly snot-streaked cheeks. I want to say his name was Dennis, but it probably wasn't. He was the booger kid. Every day care and elementary school had one.

Dennis had decided to get into the toy bin. He'd decided that TV time wasn't for him and that he'd prefer digging a Tonka truck out of the toy bin and plopping himself down on a pile of coats he'd knocked over. He'd decided that running the Tonka truck along the orange carpet while sucking his thumb and making loud "vrooooom" noises while everyone else was trying to watch "The Electric Company" was more up his alley. Even though we'd been told to watch TV and be quiet.

Something about this felt like injustice to me. As someone who always did what they were told. As an "Electric Company" fan. And as someone who - on many levels - considered himself an adult.

As this was going on, Debbie was in the adjoining room. She was not seeing this and therefore was not able to correct it. Which I just knew she would, if she were in the room. If she were seeing this. She would say that this injustice simply would not stand.

So, in Debbie's absence (and because I was the only available adult in the room) I took action.

I went over to Dennis.

I went over and I...

I spanked him.

I took the truck out of his hand, scolded him in front of the entire class, turned him over onto his belly and I...

I spanked him.

In the moment, it felt perfectly natural. It felt perfectly justified. I think on some level I even felt like it was expected of me.

I was wrong.

I remember sensing something approaching from behind. Quickly and with intent. Her energy reached me before she'd even crossed the threshold. I turned around in time to see Debbie rounding the corner from the next room, eyes wide, mouth agape, long hair flowing behind her as she careered toward me. She was fuming. Really fuming. Actually emitting fumes. I'd never seen anyone so angry. To this day, I vividly remember the expression on her face as she grabbed me by the arms and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing. What the hell was wrong with me. Scolding me in front of the entire class. Scolding me. Lightly swatting my butt as she sent me out of the room. Sending me crying to Pam. Pam who ran Mary Moppett's. Pam who made me sit in the corner of the empty room for the rest of the day.

My mother got the full story from the staff when she came to pick me up. The shock was enough that, apparently, I wet my pants. Which I never did. I have no memory of that part. According to her, she asked me on the way home if I wanted to talk about it. I said "no". She accepted that as my answer and we spent the rest of the ride in silence.

I cringed through the entire writing of this response.

I wish I'd...when I had the chance.

I wish I had investigated my severe TMJ when I had insurance.

I've never felt so out of place as when I...

walk through the doors of American Express every morning.

There was also the time I ended up at a UNO frat party. I might have felt more at home if I'd had a plaid oxford, a baseball cap, a koozy-wrapped PBR and said "Doood!" at a high-volume every minute or so... But I didn't.

...is my guiltiest pleasure.

"Rock of Love with Brett Michaels". Don't you dare judge me.

I hope...knows how grateful I am for...

My mother. For wiping out her retirement savings to pay for acting school so I wouldn't be saddled with student loans the rest of my life. And for always letting me just be who I am.

My brother. For trying to toughen me up when I was a kid. It didn't work then. But I think it has served me later in life.

My wife. For getting me.

Bono, Edge, Adam & Larry. For any of the countless live versions of "Where The Streets Have No Name" that I listen to before every audition.

God. For literally everything.

In my darkest hours I secretly blame...for my dysfunction.

Ma. Dad. Grandma. Distraction. Addiction. Everyone but myself.

...changed my life forever.

Watching U2 close the Amnesty International "Conspiracy of Hope" concert on MTV in the summer of 1986.

I'd be remiss not to also include:

* Punk rock. - 1986
* "Somewhere I have never travelled..." - 1992
*"Howl" - 1992
*Frank Miller's graphic novel series "The Dark Knight Returns" - 1985
*Having a local theatre group approach my folks about using our cafe to create "Diner Theatre" - 1983
*Watching "sex, lies & videotape" - 1993
*Performing "Sex, Drugs, Rock & Roll" - 1994
*Pubic hair - 1988
*Hiking the Grand Canyon for the first time - 1999
*Meeting The Missus - 1997
*Birth - 1973
*The iPod - 2004

Okay, Frantic Puppy and Big Mike... You're it.

Sexually Explicit Spam of the Day

Every day, like most Americans, I receive between 1 and 15 spam e-mails of some sort of sexually explicit nature. I'm sure you've received some yourself. (Yes, you.)

The titles of most of them make me laugh out loud. It makes you wonder if someone actually took the time to come up with these subject lines or if a computer randomly assembled them from a set of predetermined keywords in a sort of pornographic tip-of-the-hat to "Mad Libs".

Today I bring you the first in what will be an ongoing series of posts in which I feature some of my favorite cybersex come-ons.

Hence Sexually Explicit Spam of the Day #1:

From: gaineschris27@ yahoo.co.uk
Subj. Sailors and skanks on the high seas! oophyte

Which begs the following questions...

• Is Chris Gaines a real 27 yr old in the UK who wants me to see this? Or some poor schmuck who got his e-mail address highjacked to send smut out into the world?
• How did the sailors and the skanks end up on the high seas together? Was it a cruise? Or some sort of co-ed fishing expedition gone awry?
• "Oophyte." A newly developed chemical lubricant? Some overheard onomonopeia from the excursion? Or a scientific classification for people who enjoy sex on a boat?

If I wasn't absolutely certain it'd automatically erase my entire hard drive, I might just open the message and find out...

That's Deep

About every year or so, our corner bodega gets a new owner. The one constant throughout the 10 years I've been frequenting (and occasionally boycotting) this deli is that:
A) it has always smelled bad
2) most of the products on the shelves pre-date the Carter administration
D) it is overpriced and
5) it has always had the same fadded, tattered, beat-to-shit sign bearing the pathetically generic name "United Deli".

Well, in what I hope signals a raft of new changes to come, ONE of those things is finally not the case.

Congratulations, Probably-Gruff-and-Unhygenic New Owner! Thanks for making some kind effort!

Now... Let's just see if this guy can come up with a respectable price for toilet paper. You wanna really impress me? 4 rolls for under $3.99.

C'mon...

I dare ya...

An Open Letter To Everyone In My Office

No.

I didn't see "American Idol" last night.

I do not watch "American Idol".

Please stop asking.

And when you're standing around chittering amongst yourselves about it...? Do it further away from my cube.

No, I can still hear you.

Nope. Further.

No, I can still hear you.

I can still hear you.

...

Perhaps you should simply find something else to talk about.

Thank you.

"Client 9" Offers A Visual Clue To Explain His Need For Involvement With A Prostitute

Seriously, though? I'm SO disappointed. I proudly voted for this man based on his work as NY's Attorney General. I was totally down with his platform, his approach, his take on the issues . The Bruno stuff was annoying but this.... I mean... C'MON, dammit.

...

I'm just so disappointed...

No More Frozen Waffles

Actually, frozen waffles became the default metaphor given my past experiences with the temporary bachelorhood I experience when my wife travels. This time around it was hot dogs.

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I don't think I'll be eating hot dogs again for quite a while but if you are planning a hot dog dinner some time soon and need a wine pairing, I can tell you 3 reds that go very nicely and 2 that don't really work.
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That aside, The Missus returned from Honduras last week and I have to say, it was not a moment too soon. Almost immediately after she left, Kanga decided to develop an abscess in her anal gland. ( ... ) Long story short, it involved an emergency trip to the vet, holding on to my poor, terrified, quivering dog until she howled herself hoarse while the vet drained this awful swollen thing, shelling out hundreds of dollars on the spot that I hadn't budgeted and walking out with a three-legged dog with a cone on her head. (Sidenote: Cone-head on a regular dog = funny. Cone-head on a 3-legger = pathetic and mildly heartbreaking)

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Turns out the cone screwed up her equilibrium enough that she could barely get around and couldn't lay down at all. Which meant that I had to remove it. Which also meant that I had to take the next two days off of work to stay home with her, give her her antibiotics, flush out her abscess with a syringe and make sure she didn't try to lick her asshole. It was a miserable couple of days for both of us. Incidentally, I developed a whole new respect for single parents.

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The Kanga ordeal was just the beginning of a string of trying situations that popped up over the next two weeks. My wife travels often and by now I've got my system pretty well down for how things operate when I'm flying solo. But this trip was different. It was longer. Money was tight. Shit happened. And over the course of those two weeks, I was really reminded what a partnership marriage is. Not just emotionally, financially, etc., but logistically. It's very much like trying to go about your daily life with an arm tied behind your back. And a solid reminder of the many roles spouses play in each other's lives.
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You can read The Missus' impressions of Honduras here.

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Welcome back, love.

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Now, don't fuckin' go anywhere for awhile, 'kay...?